


Crazy bastard

by jjajangie09



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Tragedy, Best Friends, Character Death, Character Turned Into a Ghost, Gen, ex mv inspired, they are bffies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:46:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26594680
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jjajangie09/pseuds/jjajangie09
Summary: So in this suffering of not being able to forget you, I live on.“Can you hug me one last time?”Han knows it was a foolish request coming from a non-existent being but he did it anyway. His thin arms passing through the other’s body like what happened before, it was like hugging the thin air but everything felt real anyway.
Relationships: Han Jisung | Han & Lee Felix
Kudos: 11
Collections: fav





	Crazy bastard

With his cheek pressed against the cold side of the pillow; Han stared at his window with the same dazed expression. _Empty, he felt empty._ He didn’t care about the day and the time anymore, his everyday living is just a meaningless way of existing.

At least looking at the sunlight fighting its way through the blinds made him feel something. He assumes that it was morning again but he didn’t want to go out. He didn’t have the appetite to eat as well. He just wants to stay inside his room, sheltered. Safe. His mom just lets him be. She would never understand the grief of losing someone anyway. 

Beside him lays a garment, a shirt that belonged to someone he cherishes. The lingering smell of comfort surrounds the room where the scattered belongings of the missing person found its home. 

Felix had the bad habit of leaving things behind. His clothes, books, video games, _people he loves._ Being his neighbor, Han had the responsibility to return the things he had left behind but now it doesn’t matter, it’s useless to get it back if the owner can’t use it anymore. 

Still, Han was thankful it wasn’t taken away from him. It’s the only thing that’s keeping him sane from the unacceptable reality that his best friend is gone. The memories of the comic books on the bookshelf, jackets and clothes hanged inside his cabinet and on the computer chair and their pictures messily taped on the bedroom wall. 

There were things he didn’t want to forget and dreaded scenes he wished he can. While absentmindedly fiddling with the friendship bracelet Felix made for him on his 16th birthday, he was reminded of the scene of the accident. Even though he only remembered some of it, his mind would always come back to Felix with blood flowing down from his temples, unconscious after the crash.

And just like that, with the wave of guilt washing over him once more, he can’t help but sob again. He lost count of the number of times he cried and grew tired of the uncomfortable ache in his heart but if it wasn’t for him inviting his friend on a stupid road trip, then he will still be with him. 

_It was all his fault._

Han spent the night dancing with the dress shirt that Felix used to wear a lot while humming his favorite song. He knows he looks like a desperate fool but waltzing around the room while he feeds on his own imagination was the only way for him to exist amidst his suffering. 

\---

_It was all in his head._

Han was bewildered by the sudden appearance of his long-gone friend seating on his computer chair early in the morning that he convinces himself that it was an imagination created by his longing for him. 

“Felix?” Han reached out to touch him but his hands passed through the other’s shoulder like smoke. Even though he knew it all along, it was the first time he felt an emotion that wasn’t related to despair. He was thrilled to see him again.

“Morning!” He cheerfully replied, grinning from ear to ear. He looked so well, his face glowed with an overwhelming radiance and the colors on his cheeks looked like blooming roses. He looked alive.

“Why are you here?” Sitting up on his bed, he felt his bones ache after lying down for too long. 

“To visit you, silly. What else?” The boy’s soft chuckle resonated on Han’s ears. It was all too familiar that he wants to hear it over and over again, like how the ocean would endlessly kiss the shoreline, seashells remembering the sound of the waves.

“I am fine, Han. I have never felt better in my life. Did you miss me?” 

Of course, he did. Han nodded his head slowly, playing along with the mirage of his own imagination. Seeing Felix smile and hearing his laugh felt real, as if the boy was really with him and it was enough. Even if it’s just for a few days, he wanted Felix with him. 

\---  
Looks like Han woke up late today after spending the night talking with his best friend. 

It was the first time Han went out of his room to follow the noise he hears downstairs. All the voices echoing in the living room sounds familiar. The laughter of people he knows too well. 

He didn’t know if he was crossing the boundaries of reality and his own imagination. He stared at the group of people on their living room area, all of their friends casually playing a video game and Felix sitting down with them. He wonders why the freckled boy was spacing out in the middle of all the fun. 

“Hey.” He greeted everyone in the room with a wave, ignoring the thought that everything may just be a dream or another made up scene on his head. “Why is everyone here? What’s the occasion?” He sat beside Felix who jumped up in surprise when he felt the other beside him. 

The others greeted him with the same energy while Changbin gave him a nod as he continues to focus on winning the game against Jeongin.

“oh… uh… I invited them. You know I don’t like you getting lonely.” He stuttered with his words but Han shook it off. He came to a conclusion that it was just one of Felix’s memories messing up with his. They both miss their friends and the fun they shared for years. It was nice to feel them again. 

\---

“I’m sorry.” 

The words came out of the blue while they were sitting down on Han’s bed that same night. Han raised a brow as he looks at him with a confused expression. 

“For what?”

“For making you suffer like this. Your mom… She told me everything.” Felix hugged his knees closer to his chest, trembling at the cold air coming from the open windows. 

Han shrugged his shoulders. “I kinda had the hunch. I was blinded by the temporary bliss with you around that I didn’t want to realize the truth.” 

“Are you mad? That I lied.” His low voice echoed in the dark, head hung down.

“I’m mad at myself for still believing. Maybe it’s time that one of us should let go, Felix.” 

He raised his head to meet Han’s eyes, a melancholic gaze piercing through his emotions. 

“Are you ready to let me go, Han?” Felix’s eyes were brimmed with tears.

“Even if it’s painful, I’ll try. I am grateful enough that I get to spend a few more days with you.” Han swallowed down the lump in his throat. He wanted end things differently this time, a delightful memory to replace the old one. 

“Can you hug me one last time?”

Han knows it was a foolish request coming from a non-existent being but he did it anyway. His thin arms passing through the other’s body like what happened before, it was like hugging the thin air but everything felt real anyway. 

Han relished at the last contact he can get from Felix as he lets go of the connection that he tried so hard to keep.

“Goodbye Han. Thank you.” 

\---

Felix didn’t show up the next day. 

Han expected it would happen. The room was back to normal, empty with nothing but the remains of Felix things in every corner. 

He never heard the boisterous laughter of their friends in the living room anymore as he heads down to the kitchen. All this time, his hunch was right. It was Felix’s memories all along. 

The quiet house never felt more suffocating after getting a taste of company for days with Felix.

“Good morning, mom.” His greeting echoed the room, slicing through the awkward silence between him and his mother. 

“Hey. How are you feeling?”

He never realizes how tired his mother looked. The lines under her eyes were more prominent, an exhaustion that was obviously written all over her face. She looked like she spent her sleepless nights thinking about her son’s condition and while Han was occupied with dealing with his own despair, he forgot about his mother who feels the same. 

“I’m alright. I have been seeing things lately but after much thinking, I decided to let go of it.” 

“You’re not seeing them anymore? Have you accepted your reality, Han?” His mother approached him slowly, hesitating to touch her son’s hand. Han nodded his head in reply.

“Then that means we can go now? We have been staying in here for too long.” 

“Staying here? It’s our home. Are we moving?” Han was puzzled with his mother’s reply. 

“It seems that you still can’t remember, little one. You saved Felix.”

_Then suddenly, the wave of forgotten memories flashed in front of his eyes._

Felix was unconscious but he was breathing despite the unfortunate crash.  
His cold hands warm on his skin as he called out Felix’s name one last time.  
He remembered the pain shooting up on his legs and torso.  
His mother on the driver’s seat, motionless.

He was the one who shielded Felix. He saved Felix.

_In exchange for his own life._

“Felix can see us, Han. He wasn’t afraid when he saw me and he wanted to see you one last time.” 

All those times he thought he was the one letting go of Felix, it was the other way around. 

He imagines the boy inside his own room blaming himself for the loss of his best friend, suffering from the pain and denying the reality. 

Han realized that the memories of their friends hanging out and having fun was his. It was because he thought he was alive and it was just his imagination running.

 _Felix wanted Han to forget._ It wasn’t Han’s fault and Felix wanted to clear it up for him.

“Are you ready to go, Han?”

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

And after a long time of wallowing in his own grief, for the first time, Han smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this word vomit while streaming back door and watching ex in between. Han and Chan's scenes really filled my angst bucket that I just need to release a bit of it before it overflows.
> 
> After Felix's recovery, he began to see things that others cannot.
> 
> I remember my grandmother always telling us that souls of loved ones are never gone and they would sometimes visit the mortal world and some ghosts haven't realized they are dead yet so that's how the whole thing sparked an idea at 2 am after having a nightmare. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed it at least. : )


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